[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
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Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I’m sure it’s fine.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings