[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
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Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
new record!
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad