[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
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I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading