[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
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It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious