Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*