Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

I’ve had relationships like this

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.