[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
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7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”