Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

What

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.