Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.