Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

I’m not alone. I have ants.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.