at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
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M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I’m not sorry.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
