at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
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Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.