At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
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Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Hard not to take this personally
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.