Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast