Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

me when somebody idk start touching me

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Let’s Go

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

The morning after pill, but for tweets

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

Rare photo of two submarines racing

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology