Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.