[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
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[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra