[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
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Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
i hate you platonically
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.