Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ha

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

stop

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.