Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

Denise please return my vape pen

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

anyone else like Italian cereal

Spotted in New Orleans.

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.