*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
You Might Also Like
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.