At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
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I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.