At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
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Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
making my dog give me my pills
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
So we got a goldfish…
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.