At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
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Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
peak technology
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.