At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
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“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Snapes on a plane.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.