You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
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*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk
*el chapo dies*
God: okay I’m gonna have to send you to hell
*3 weeks later*
Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why