At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
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I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Cinematography is my passion
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.