At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
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My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️