At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
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Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen