At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
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When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Reporter: *ports again*
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
This took me a second..
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.