At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
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I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher