Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?