Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.