At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
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The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
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Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.