At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
You Might Also Like
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.