Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.