[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
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1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
This could be us but you eatin’
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.