[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
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Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)