[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
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All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
even bears disappoint their mothers
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin