Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]