[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
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People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
There is no try. There is only give up.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.