[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
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Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection