Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.