(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Our lord and savoury.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.