Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun

And shouts “This is a stick-up!”

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..