Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach