Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”