[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I hope it’s French Onion!
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
