Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

I thought this was funny lol

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me