At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
You Might Also Like
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
every single time
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again