Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

Winnipeg!!

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.