Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

what it’s like dating me:

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.