Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

much to think about

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.