[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
The cake is mightier than the sword.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook