[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
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New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Golf would be better with landmines.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Brands during Pride
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I laughed at this way too hard.
