[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
You Might Also Like
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep