[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
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I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please