At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
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*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.