At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
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If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.