At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
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Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
This raises questions
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.