At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
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Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”