At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
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Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.