Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

accurate

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

Sheep

God, I love Scotland

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

“Did you read the fine print?”

Me: I didn’t even read the large print

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!

HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.