[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

You Might Also Like


Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭


[me on a ledge]
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*


Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.


[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*


Just gave my husband a 3 dozen box of condoms. He laughed and called it a life time supply.

I laughed and called him optimistic.


My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.


COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild


The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.