Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
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[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Just gave my husband a 3 dozen box of condoms. He laughed and called it a life time supply.
I laughed and called him optimistic.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Coworker: OMG did you hear about the blizzard?
Me: which flavor?
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.