@ShortSleeveSuit

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

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@turtledumplin

Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭

@dave_cactus

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

@HatfieldAnne

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

@mommajessiec

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

@tackie_jackie

Just gave my husband a 3 dozen box of condoms. He laughed and called it a life time supply.

I laughed and called him optimistic.

@copymama

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

@Brampersandon_

COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

@Smethanie

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.