@ShortSleeveSuit

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

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@PaperWash

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

@victorlavalle

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

@_little_old_me

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

@LoveNLunchmeat

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

@fatherofcomedy

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

@Alex_LaVallee

My wife just walked into a huge spider web.

She is now a black belt in karate.

@slimmy_shady

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

@AmberTozer

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

@Contwixt

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.