[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
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Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.