Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.