Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

sleeping beauty

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

Green is just blue that someone peed in

Who’s your best friend?

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ