@FrenulumBreve

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

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@MichaelTrying

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

@crocodilethumbs

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

@HollywoodPalms

A note of apology to the people who complained about our #BlackPanther posts, saying “Wakanda isn’t real”:

@QwertyJones3

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

@TheBoyWhoWrote

Send me a “we need to talk” text and I’m just going to respond with “yeah. We absolutely do.” Now we’re both waiting with spicy armpits.

@GingerHotDish

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

@MartinMurtagh

Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer

@senorwinces

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

@lisaxy424

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything