[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
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Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…