[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

You Might Also Like


It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.


Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little


A note of apology to the people who complained about our #BlackPanther posts, saying “Wakanda isn’t real”:


[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.


Send me a “we need to talk” text and I’m just going to respond with “yeah. We absolutely do.” Now we’re both waiting with spicy armpits.


Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.


Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer


If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.


[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything