[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
You Might Also Like
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I missed you with all my darts
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.