[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
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Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I’m pretty like a car crash.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?