{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
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I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
*checks Timeline*…
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Put the is in disheveled
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.