Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

My background check bounced.

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom