At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Jogging
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle