Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

i want it utterly assaulted.

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

You wish you had this many chins.

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

I came this close!!!!

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!